When I got into a relationship with the boy I was excited. From the first time that I met him I knew something was different about him. After so many failed dates (that is another blog post…maybe) I felt different about him.
Then I got nervous. What if he found out who I really was? What if he knew that I had struggled with weight, size, dieting and most importantly a binge eating disorder?
I had never been formally diagnosed with a binge eating disorder but it becomes incredibly apparent that you have one when you gain 35lbs in about 6 months and you eat pans of brownies and ‘sneak’ food whenever you can. It was apparent that I started to binge whilst in a former relationship where my weight was a source of frustration for my partner and the foundation of my self-worth. Everything I did, everything I ate was equated to how he would view me, how much he’d love me, how much of a success I was to him. I lost everything in the process, including a bunch of weight.
I don’t care to rehash the past and more so focus on how it is now. I never thought that I’d have to deal with the pain/past/methods of three years ago in this relationship. But I found myself at times being hypersensitive to how I was touched, what was said to me and how I felt about myself with the boy in my current relationship. It was my stuff, not his.
There were subtle hints at the beginning where I wanted to tell him where I was, because I identified so strongly with my weight as part of my character and ‘wanted to see if he could handle me.’ I’d say things like: “I’ve lost 45kgs/100lbs and kept it off”, “I used to be a lot thinner, but it was part of an abusive relationship that started it, I’ve gained some of it back.”
Then I told him “I have some issues with food and it can revolve around me binge eating.”
I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want to admit that I STILL had issues with food. That I still struggled to regulate my emotions, that I still wanted to shove my face in the moments of emotional exhaustion, confusion, frustration and upheaval. That there are moments when I don’t like the way I look, moments when I ask him not to touch me in certain areas because it makes me uncomfortable, or moments when I need to be left alone because the thoughts that I’ve having are so foul that even I need to process them before I feel I can become part of our relationship again.
…and that’s not fair
It’s not fair to me and it’s NOT fair to him. Over the past month I’ve really really really thought about who I am in this relationship and what it means to have a man truly adore you.
- In order to love someone else, you have to start with yourself
- No matter how much you want to push someone away, ask yourself why you’re pushing away yourself at that very moment. Pushing away the boy, is always because I’m trying to push myself away.
- Get some sore of physical activity
- Be grossly cute and affectionate. When you’re binging, dieting, focusing on weight oftentimes we lose track of being affectionate and generous to ourselves..so make yourself be warm and generous to them and it will open up a warm place for yourself.
- Be kind, gentle, patient with the place you’re in.
- Be an observer of your emotions. As my friend said “it’s an oxymoron to say that you’re in control of your emotions,” rather embrace them, don’t judge them, and work through them.
- Don’t be afraid of being who you are, even in the ugly meltdown moments.
- Ask for help
I’m not perfect, but for so long I think I had to hide behind some sort of perfection wall I put up, whilst binging behind it so ‘no one saw’. Everyone saw. I never thought I’d be in a place where I can just be with who I am and with someone who loved me. When you’re binging and in that mentality, you feel like you’re alone and that you’ll never be loved…because that’s how you view yourself…not everyone sees you like that!
I’m learning every single day and the point is that no matter where you are….you can begin to travel through life differently.