food recovery / life

Survive

survive \sər-ˈvīv\

1 : to remain alive or in existence : live on
2 : to continue to function or prosper

I remember when I first went to see my amazing pysch, guru, counsellor, mama figure (whatever you wanna call her). I remember sitting in her house that had river views. At the huge wooden dining room table.

“Do you wanna cuppa? I’ve got tea or coffee”
“I’ll have black coffee thanks.”
“No sugar or milk.”
“Nah, just black”
“God, you’re brave.”

Really, I was obsessed with making that coffee the least amount of calories I could. Actually, I was afraid.

She asked me why I came to see her. My immediate response:

“Because I’m so f-ed up, there’s absolutely no way that you’re gonna fix me. But I can’t keep living the way I’m living right now.”

It was about nine months after I had broken up with my ex. I had become a pro at eating 1/2 a pan of brownies in 10 minutes, jars of almond butter and puking up blueberry muffins in the shower. I was running as far as I could from what I had emotionally endured for six months.

I didn’t think I could survive.

I couldn’t survive the idea of gaining weight.
I couldn’t survive the idea of dieting.
I couldn’t survive the idea of being alone.
I couldn’t survive the idea of ‘letting someone down’
I couldn’t survive the idea of being happy.

I honestly didn’t think I could survive. I felt like I had nothing to live for. I was living on my own in a dark converted flat. In a familiar place, but it was lonely. I kept it lonely. I threw myself into work and that didn’t help. I went to East Timor, that helped a little. I tried to diet, exercise, count calories. None of that helped. I read books. Those helped a little, but made me yearn for the place they spoke of that I never thought I’d get to.

I still felt like I was going between being able to survive little flutters of life and shoving food down my throat because it was all too much.

I still, grapple with feeling as though I’m too overwhelmed, excited, nervous, tired, bored, hormonal to survive the moment. The day. The week. The thinking of ‘what might happen’.

Then I read this post by Andie

I asked myself, every single day, every single moment, “Can you get through this moment right now without bingeing? Can you make the healthy choice just for today?”

It just kept running through my head after I read the post

“Can you get through this moment right now without bingeing?”

The answer…for me…is yes.

Take the drama out. Take the helpless victim in your head, mantra, heart, soul… and tell her to swim RIGHT NOW! You’ll be amazed, like I have been, at how much I actually can survive when I realise in the moment I am stronger than anything I’ve endured, anything that is going to be thrown at me, and anyone I was in the past.

~Mish

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