life

‘Joan of Arc’ Armour

I find it interesting how life throw’s curve balls at you. When you sit back and objectively look at a situation and think to yourself “how did that happen?”

Over a bowl full of fun-sized candy bars I coped. For the first time in MONTHS (which is a huge feet) I succumbed to the intense pressure that I am feeling…mostly placing upon my self. Projecting out into the future that it’s going to be too stressful, worrying too much about restricting my food because I have an upcoming birthday, and wondering if really I can do it all.

….I know I can
….My ‘false-self’ loves this place, she thrives, like a weed in fertilizer

It ended in tears. Snot. And a feeling of doom. ‘Is this really happening again?’. I called my friend, because what I’ve learned is that you have to admit where you are to people outside of yourself sometimes, it makes what you’re feeling more manageable and less scary.

….It was then that I realised that I had to let down the ‘Joan of Arc’ armour and really admit it.

I don’t know how to do relationships well, sometimes. I am able to maintain friendships and relationships with people. Put me into a group of randoms and I’ll chat away, and most likely get someone’s life story..and maybe share bits about myself. But I’m able to stay removed. Perhaps it’s a post-feministic mentality of ‘i can do it on my own’ and/or a bit of how I was raised. #idependentwomanof21stcentury #heremeroar

….but deep down, I do believe that we want to be loved, even when we have snot dripping down our faces.

It’s not easy to sit on the other end of a phone and have someone ask you about your issues with food. Because you have to actually face them head on and de-mystify them, give them words, explanations. Explain, honestly how much you ate..and 9 times out of 10, it isn’t as bad as you thought it was. More though, you have to cast out the horrible, awful, self-imposed, demoralised picture of yourself to someone else and essentially say “are you sure that you still love this, because honestly, I can’t even find an inkling of love in the person I am when I cope with food.”

….and when they come back with NOTHING but love
….and when they come back with NOTHING but acceptance
….and when they come back with NOTHING but grace
….and when they come back with NOTHING but positive

You realise that you’re lucky. you realise that you’re lucky to have come to a spot in your life where not only do you WANT to be vulnerable, you ARE being vulnerable. You realise that you are beginning to use the strength of others to find your own strength and beauty. You realise that you’re able to see the beauty that others see, for yourself.

You realise that you’re able to show yourself a bit of grace.

~Mish

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