My life is crazy right now. Full-time prac, shift-work, no food in my house, kids to come home to, lack of exercise, job decisions, investing in a relationship.
I’ve found myself ‘wanting to bolt’. Frosting spoonfuls. Eating til I get that little signal that I can’t possibly eat anymore.
Today was exhausted. I’m spent. I don’t have anymore to give to anyone around me..including myself. I coated my evening with frosting and downed it in biscuits. I wanted to bolt.
I sat there over the sink with a spoonful of frosting, hoping that none of my kids would see the state I was in. The binge state. As I came up the stairs and the decisions of my evening passed over me. I realised something.
I DON’T WANT TO BOLT ANYMORE.
As I washed my dishes, I realised that my life isn’t that bad. It’s crazy, yes. There are huge decisions in my life, yes. I’m going to shut one door and open another, yes. I may sacrafice a bit of my career path to pursue a relationship, yes.
But I don’t want to bolt.
I’ve never ever felt this way before. In my whole life. I’ve used calories, points, exercise punishment, obsession to bolt. To control the bolt inducing binge. I’ve told myself that I CAN’T possibly survive whatever it is without the obsession with weight..it’s how I controlled my emotional eating.
I don’t want to bolt. Not anymore. It’s actually that simple. To bolt or not to bolt.