I hate HATE LOATHE the phrase ‘I’ve struggled to lose weight my whole life’. It’s the foundation for heaps of conversations with people and even more so in the blogging world.
As Geneen Roth says ‘it’s simply choosing to stop when you’re full.’
….but what if you can’t feel full?
I actually have come to realise that indeed I CAN feel physical fullness, hunger and satisfaction. If.I.try!
What happens..what I’m realising..the painful bear of a past of food issues..is the.moment.the moment when I stop loving by listening is when I try to find love in food.
….food isn’t love
What a shit realisation to make. What a shit feeling to acknowledge. That when you’re sitting over (insert whatever you’d like) you’re actually asking the food to be something other than it is. You’re asking it to be love, sleep, sex, excitement, analgesia, happiness, escape.
….food is just food
Acknowledging this reality for myself is scary. Because let’s be honest…I’ve used food as love for my whole life pretty much. Due to a committment to dieting and wanting to be thin, I was able to curtail a major weight-gain after a successful weight loss. But the old gimmicks of ‘wanting to be thin’ or ‘wanting to look good naked’ or ‘wanting to have the body I used to’ or ‘I should be this or that weight’ or ‘I’ll do that when I’m that weight again’…ARE NOT motivating me anymore.
….food isn’t about dieting either
It’s a weird place to be in. When you would like to be genuinely healthier so that your thighs don’t rub together in the hot summer, or you’d like to somehow discover the sense of peace with food that doesn’t cause you to lose track of who you are between the sugar cookie and frosting soaked knife.
….what I’ve discovered is that food is food…and love for myself is beyond it
I don’t know why this took me so long to realise. Realise that I don’t see myself outside of food. That in fact, my calling card in life is food. My identity is baking. Is struggling with my emotional eating. Is my ability to whip something together. My whole fucking life has been either numbing with food, making food for others so I can hide behind it or obsessing about how fucked up of a relationship I have with it.
….there has to be more to me than food.
I don’t know why this is painful. Perhaps it’s because it’s a harsh reality that I’ve spent my whole life with food..or the realisation that I’m more than food. When all you are is food, the idea that you’re anything else is so overwhelming that it’s almost unfathomable.
….food isn’t to be unappreciated
I don’t even know what it means to appreciate food, because for my whole life it HAS NOT been about the food. It’s been about wanting to extrapolate some sort of meaning or emotion out of what I have been eating. Ironically it has nothing to do with the food and everything about re-discovering myself with food..instead of in it.