It’s funny, cause since I have begun to get older I have:
- developed a knack for crying when watching any show on TLC about delivering babies
- find complete peace in sunsets and lazy night walks
- think that I’m becoming my mom
When I was a teenager, I’d always give my Mom a card and say “you’re not allowed to cry when you read this.” Looking back on this, I realise it was more because it made me uncomfortable.
See, I even made my Mom cry this Christmas by sending her a homemade calendar.
Throughout much of my life I was around amazing people, but oftentimes emotions were to be outwardly controlled. The release came in sudden outbursts of regrettable communication, binging when no one was looking or self-deprecating comments and overcommitment to making things perfect. Emotions were not to be displayed.
There were signs of this emotional movement softening throughout my life, when I believe that people realised that emotions were ok to show. However, the need for perfection, organisation, togetherness and what I’d call duty…still prevailed.
For the longest time I tried to control my emotions. My frustrations. My sadness. My negative outlook on life. I’d over-commit, think that I couldn’t do everything, do everything on heaps of coffee and a horrible diet…and outwardly have it all put together.
….inwardly I was unhealthy, exhausted, unhappy and tired of not taking care of myself.
I remember last week thinking to myself “I’m an emotional person, so you’re gonna have to learn to how manage your life and not bottle them up cause it a’int doing anyone good.”
There have been times throughout my recovery when, if I TRULY let myself be in the moment, I can cry because it’s gorgeous outside, because cuddling up to someone who you love is finally felt.in.my.heart, that intimacy is so incredibly powerful when you’re not thinking about ‘my fat jiggling’, when you realise you’re at a party loving the conversation and not obsessing about the food.
It’s very difficult to try to explain to people, that in the beginning stages and moments throughout your unlocking of the emotional pressure cooker that you start to feel things so intensely that you almost want to run away from them. But I ask of you to keep your heart open and not to, let it flow…let it flow…let it flow. Don’t be afraid. It’s the beginning of healing.
Now, I’m gonna cry with my mom if I write her a card. I’m gonna be present in the moments that are. I’m not going to beat myself up or try to bottle things up. This doesn’t mean being nasty to myself or others. I’m gonna take the pressure off of being emotional steady for other people and find the sway of life that works best for me.