food recovery / life

I Had To Admit, I’ve Spent Three Years On This

This is a post that I don’t even want to write, because I don’t really want to admit it to everyone..to myself.

In December 2008, I began a journey of a full-blown issue with food. After being dumped three days before Christmas by a man of whom I had lost weight for, I was miserable. I had just come off of two separate hospitalisations and what I’d classify as ‘rebound’ eating while on vacation.

2009 was awful. I binged. I binged all the weight back I had lost with my ex and before I met him. I lost my soul. I lost who I was. I tried everything. Working out, diets, becoming a Christian, blogging, the Exposed Movement, going to East Timor.

Everything.

I have been seeing a fabulous counsellor for the past two years, because I needed it. Because I needed to admit the darkest, most awful secrets that were held in my heart. The ones that you’d never wish upon other people, the things that you’d never say to your worst enemy, but you play like a broken record in your mind.

I remember when I met Andrew, how scared I was of what he’d think about me. I tried to ‘be good’ for him, by dieting. Losing weight, to binge it back at times because if felt wrong in my heart, but I almost felt like it was my duty. Because that’s the woman I was with the ex. It’s the only way I knew how to find value in a relationship.

The thing that I admitted to myself today was that Lance, the ex, has still had control over who I am with food, dieting, body image. Nothing as strong as it was…but there was the residual hangover of THREE YEARS AGO! It wasn’t his voice, his demands, his looks, his questions. It was more of the mental state of where I was with myself, food, exercise, eating, drive..when I was with him. The moments when I’m going between loving/hating, dieting/binging…is the girl who was suffering in that relationship…and she was still present in the most loving/caring relationship I have with Andrew right now.

After thinking about everything today, I put the spoon down from the PB jar into the sink and knew in my heart that not another day was going to be about the Michelle trapped in the hangover of a man in the past, the feeling, the person I was in that moment in time.

I’m not upset. I’m glad. I’m glad I’m not wasting another moment suffocated in that misery. A misery that I held onto for too long, because I was too afraid of what I might actually be..someone fabulous.

~Mish

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9 thoughts on “I Had To Admit, I’ve Spent Three Years On This

  1. I can SO relate to this post, except it wasn’t an ex, it was my mother…and it took me a hell of a lot longer than three years. Glad you’re not upset…because you already are fabu!

  2. Wow, so cool to hear that you are a Christian. Love to hear more about your faith journey. Making peace with food is one thing, making peace with our bodies, our past, & ourselves is another piece of the peace.

    • To be honest my faith journey has been interesting. Right now I’d say it’s in a pleasant holding pattern. I’m open and honest about what that means for me, but it’s not the forefront of my mind right now. I haven’t found my place in a church here in Australia, but that is ok for me right now.

  3. I think that “ex-hangover” and the after-effects (in your case related to self-image and food but for others it could be different things) do last about 3 years. I had a relationship end roughly the same time as yours – six months before – and yes, it was about 6 months ago that I reached that point you are at now. And – you know what – despite me worrying that it was just a momentary “seeing of the light” on my part, it wasn’t, it has lasted. My head and heart both feel lighter and I am free of it. Very occasionally, just fleetingly, it will sneak back in but I have that lightness, enough experience of being free of it, to see it straight off.
    I am so happy for you that you have met a man who loves you as you are. Enjoy him xx

    • It’s such a blessed, blissful feeling. I don’t have to run, hide, re-shape, or fake anything with him. I was thinking tonight ‘I feel safe’. I actually feel like I get to clear the shelves of crap off in my head and know that nothing that was there or isn’t going to be placed there impacts me anymore. It’s fabulous. Good on you for sorting that out! Enjoy!

  4. Pingback: The Silent ‘Why’ « MishMarieG

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