food recovery / life / relationship

The Silent ‘Why’

(laying in bed after a three hour sweaty shift at the restaurant)

“Baby, I need to go and write a blog post. I need to cry and just write”
“Why are you going to cry?”
“Because I feel like I need to just let out the stuff that’s in my heart and just be at peace with food, body, everything. I think that the post from the other day stirred some stuff up but I am ready to move on.”
“Why can’t you move on? Why isn’t your heart totally where you want it to be?”

(paused. laid there with a sleepy man who I had woken up and tears came. why am I not there?)

“I don’t know why I’m not there. Maybe it’s because I feel like I don’t have anything other thing to worry about. I feel like I should stay skinny for you, or at least worry about it.”
“Baby, I love you just the way you are and I don’t think you need to change.”

(cue tears. sobs. this.is.where.I.am.going.for.myself)

(insert cuddle)

“Baby, I do love you. But can you please invest in some waterproof mascara because you cry so much and I cop it all the time with your mascara all over my chest. I’m serious.”

And that is why I feel safe. protected. loved. with un-clipped wings.

In the silence of our hearts, we can answer the ‘why’ to why we are not where we want to be. That is where the healing, moving, shaking, peace-offering, change begins.

~Mish

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4 thoughts on “The Silent ‘Why’

  1. I know I’ve said this before, but I need to say it again: take the opportunity that he is giving you. And also understand that, by taking the opportunity, you are doing something invaluable for him. That’s one of the many things love is.

  2. You have a good man, Mish. The good ones- the kind that TRULY love us- have that seeming magic ability to open us up and free us. I love to see that happening to you.

  3. this absolutely took my breathe away. and as selfish as this sounds – cuz it is frankly – i’m envious of you…..

    just an echo of what the others have said – he sounds like a really really nice and geniune person. be w/ him as totally as you can and allow him the priviledge of helping you heal. you deserve it and he would appreciate it (& i’m sure serve him in ways you can’t imagine). a safe and peaceful journey to the both of you. be well and be together.

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