1 a : to yield to the power, control, or possession of another upon compulsion or demand <surrendered the fort> b : to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another2a : to give (oneself) up into the power of another especially as a prisoner b : to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)
I distinctly remember a time in college when I was up on what seemed to be a HUGE platform where I had to fall back for a trust fall. I was standing there shaking. I was 260lbs at the time and didn’t know if I could actually trust the people to catch someone ‘so big’.
More though, I was actually frightened of the demons in my head. When I was growing up I was called ‘IHOP’ because I was so chunky. I thought it was cool to have a nickname until I realised that it was really about the kids in elementary school taunting me.
As I stood on that box, I knew that I had to surrender to the fear and not let it overwhelm me. Part of that was that I couldn’t buckle under the pressure, because I had to keep my body perfectly straight.
I remember hearing the voices of the kids. One girl in particular. I remember crying on that box. I either didn’t do it and lost to the voices of a distant pass, or I planked my body and fell back.
I took a deep breath and planked and surrendered.
It felt amazing.
Life for many of us is about control. Especially when we have issues with food, addictions, body image, etc. Or maybe you don’t…and you have issues with control. I think control stems from the inability to surrender to the moment and just be. For reasons which are complex and/or simple, the idea of being present is either too foreign, too uncomfortable, too terrifying or too out-of-character.
I’m not really sure what sparked everything yesterday, but I was an emotional rollercoaster. I’m at a place in my life where I always yearned to be, but never realised that I’ve actually get there. Now that I’m there, I feel like I need to control the ‘there’. The ‘next step’. It has to be controlled. Since relationships and even daily emotional woes can’t be controlled, it becomes a frustrating balance for me trying to shove down the lack of control I’m feeling and my need to ‘escape’ the lack of control..namely in food and pushing people away that I love.
It’s twisted. It’s ironic.
The sense of control stems from the need to protect. Either because ‘it might feel like last time’ or ‘I can’t handle what may happen or is happening to me.’ This with food is something that I’ve realised as well. I have to control what I eat, because ‘i’d be completely out of control if I wasn’t limiting my food intake’. It’s a foreshadowed perceived inability to deal with things that haven’t even happened.
It’s drama. It’s control fueled drama. It’s a cycle.
I’ve heard it so many times from Geneen Roth to Christie and I’d even say aspect of Miz. The deep need to just be. A place of complete surrender to whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re feeling, to the present moment.
I’ve scared of surrender, because I’ve never really been there. I was there when I was in East Timor and that surrender was when I found my feet and decided to stop working and go back to school as a nurse.
I’m learning to surrender more to love.
I’m now deciding to surrender to the idea of myself. To show myself the worth, the guidance and unflappable smartass that I am.
The point and perhaps the most important thing I can do for myself right now is surrender. I think the irony is that I’ll find the control I’ve been desperately trying to create without the destructive drama.
I also think that it means simply and I mean simply, turning the volume down, taking the drama out and living.