1 : to exert a reciprocal or counteracting force or influence —often used with on or upon2: to change in response to a stimulus3: to act in opposition to a force or influence —usually used with against4: to move or tend in a reverse direction
My dear friend Tom would always joke with me when I was in a situation that I felt was unfavourable: Mish, why don’t you just FREAK OUT right now!
It was a way to calm me down, bring the drama out of the situation and for me to realise that I could actually find some peace and clarity in what I have been given.
I’m the type of person, that if something is happening I either need to do it ALL right now, or put it ALL off until the last-minute. Both of which are stress inducing methods of survival.
With weight it has been the same way. I either needed to lose the weight RIGHT NOW, or I just ignored it—ignoring my hunger signals and playing the ‘start over game tomorrow’.
I am apathetic with the way I look right now. I’m not disgusted. I am not totally happy. I am not putting heaps of effort either with physical activity or the way I look. I think I am just coasting. For awhile I was ok with that. I think in some ways, it’s best to be apathetic. To just take all feeling out of it and coast.
Then I saw this photo.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. I think that larger lesson for me is how I reacted to it last night when I saw it posted
God, I look fat
I should go on a diet
I don’t even look happy. I’m not even dressed well. I look like I’m hiding.
I need to tone more.
Maybe I should start counting calories again.
(text boyfriend: I saw a photo of myself today that was horrible. I need a hug)
You know what! You can change. Bring peace into your life. Ok, so you’re not exactly the healthiest you could be right now. But let’s be honest Michelle, you’ve been hiding behind food for the past two years. Even now, you don’t go out and live your life to the fullest, because of a host of reasons.
(text from boyfriend: please be ready by 4:45pm tonight. we’re going sailing)
Ugh, I don’t want to go sailing. I feel like shit. Michelle, you have to go out and live your life. Bring back the spirit. Stop forcing that smile. Find your groove.
I dressed up. Went sailing. I wasn’t in the best mood, but it was nice to be out in a space where you could hear the fizz of the water as you sailed with the wind. It was a reminder that I was alive.
How you react in life is the tell-tale sign, I believe, of where you are and where you’re headed. That girl, in that photo, would have jumped back onto the dieting/bingeing/gotta exercise to lose weight..bandwagon.
As I fell asleep last night I said to Andrew “Baby, I know that it’s been a hard day for me. But I didn’t binge.”
“That’s huge. I’m so proud of you. I think you’re beautiful.”