food recovery / life

Decided to Go to Meditation

I decided to go to meditation. I talked about it on Facebook, I wanted to try something else…maybe this would be the ‘ONE’ thing that could fix me.

I just need to calm my mind.

I of course was running late, I’m always running late. I think that I procrastinate in my life to try to avoid the things that I don’t think that I want to do. (dishes, exercise, laundry, work, uni..you name it). I’m in a constant place of escape. A place where I want to try to find ways to escape life.

I’m not REALLY sure where that comes from, but I’m beginning to be ok with it.

Anyways, I’m running late. I fling the door open and there’s this Australian-bloke man looking back at me. I say that I’m really sorry that I’m late and ask if I’m the only one there. “No, they’re all waiting for you”.

I walk in and there’s a wall that is dedicated, much like a shrine, covered with candles and Buddhism gurus. The ones that perhaps I aspire to, or more importantly want to scratch their brains as to how they’ve found peace.

I sit down in a dark green plastic lawn chair that has a cushion. Tim, the Australian bloke, leads us through meditation.

“Our minds make up or world. There’s nothing that happens to us in our worlds that isn’t controlled by our minds. Understanding our thoughts, our minds and how they work is where one must start. We try to find happiness through external things: shopping, loud cars, chocolate..it’s all driven by our mind. All of it. Finding true happiness starts in our mind, always.”

I realised what he was saying. I intellectually got it.

I decided to lay down on the floor, because I find that I like to lay for these sorts of things. And I found it REALLY hard to concentrate just on my breathing. I realised that my mind is CONSTANTLY going! 

…this will help me lose weight
…i need to write my friend back on FB
…i should do a blog series on mediations

(go back to your breath Michelle)

…i hope that andrew is making dinner, i’m starving

(go back to your breath Michelle)

…i’m so nervous about work

The whole entire half-hour meditation was a constant movement of thought to the gentle reminder of going back to my breath. When Tim asked us to picture what our mind looked like, my looked like tightly coiled coils stuck on a board with tangents of lines and it never stopped. It looked chaotic and it felt overwhelming even when I visualised it.

I do believe what Tim is saying and I’ll be back to meditation. I actually think for people who are like me, perhaps like you, who have a tightly coiled mind…meditation is hard. Our minds DON’T LIKE peace, calm, empty thought. Thought protects us from the ineviatable truths that we want to protect ourselves from.

I’m excited to see where meditation takes me.

~Mish

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