I have always been someone who lives in black and white.
straight lines, predictability, structure. It is or it isn’t. It’s good or it’s bad.
Black and white removes the grey from life…and it’s not always a good thing. I think that the grey matter in life is where you grow, where you produce change, where we find ourselves.
I found myself thinking a lot about the idea of recovery. Maybe it’s because I have “Intervention” on daily record..and I love watching it. The struggle of the addicts on there, is oftentimes mirrored in my own personal reflection with food. We all struggle or have struggled with something.
What is interesting, is that idea of recovery. I remember Kendra talking about it and her stating that she is enjoying the journey of recovery and that it’s becoming more a part of her life.
For the longest, and I mean really up until recently, I think that I’ve moved my idea of black and white, right and wrong, shoulds…into the idea of recovery, change, progress. I was either stuck with “I’m f-ed up and I’m gonna start tomorrow” or “I need to be recovered”
I don’t know if life is always just the starting line or the finished line. I think it’s the run in between. There are mileposts, there are set-backs, there are challenges. The more embrace you give to the grey, the in between, the journey…I actually think the better you become. You let go of the struggles and let go of the need for the end product. You don’t get stuck in a vacuum of time, transcended by days of pressure and stagnation.
I wrote how I was going to re-start my journey with exercise. I am so sick right now (like up in the middle of the night rubbing Vicks Vapor Rub all over myself) that I just wanted to sit on my ass yesterday. Instead I just went on a small, easy walk.
The grey, the middle, is where you must begin. There is control in holding onto the black and white aspects of our lives. I get that. It’s where my bingers lives. It’s where my perfectionist overdrive resides. Both of which do not make me happy most of the time.
The grey is where I would say my recovery lies.
I am ok with that. I’m ok with the recovery process and realising that it’s a part of my life…because it allows me to be away from what I was and what I think I should be. It enables me to dance around in the grey. It enables me to be honest with where I’m at. It enables me to discover who I am outside of the confined realities I have lived in and tried to become.
So go dance in the grey! Find out who you are outside of the boxes which hold you back.