food recovery / life

When You Realise You Don’t Have to be a Victim Anymore

Recently I’ve gone on a detox by a naturopath. It was very strict. I lost 17lbs. It’s a lot of weight. I felt in control. Everything was spelt out, people at work were doing it, it was easy. There was a bit of pressure to stay strict, and it felt good to be successful.

I decided that after 23 days, I had done enough and went on what they call as maintenance.

What I’ve realised in the last 48 hours, is that I felt as though I was out of control. There’s talk that for every action there’s an equal and greater reaction..or binge.

I felt free..and out of control.

Look, see, I told you…you can’t be trusted with food.

As I vacuumed the floor, I realised that I have been a victim in my own mind for a long time. I have been a victim to my parent’s divorce. I’ve been a victim to my weight. I’ve been a victim to my love of food. I’ve been a victim to my previous relationship. I’ve been a victim to the binger which lies inside of me.

I’ve been a victim.

Being a victim is powerless. It’s a place that zaps any ability to fend for one’s self and overcome what is holding me back. I think that there is obviously protection in being a victim..for so long.

I’ve felt as though I could never get past the sense that I was a victim, that I would always be dieting, struggling, bouncing back to my high weight from the time I started my diet. I’m stuck in the victim, it’s where I’ve been for so long. It means I don’t have to take responsibility for who I am.

As I was sucking up the dirt from the tiles, I realised I didn’t want to be a victim anymore.

~Mish

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3 thoughts on “When You Realise You Don’t Have to be a Victim Anymore

  1. “Detoxes” always have this effect on me. They can be good because they remind me of where I still struggle, but in the end I think it’s better to just learn to live (and eat) the best you can with freedom, flexibility, and your health in mind. Or, as you say, to learn how to not be a victim or to react to being a victim by seeking things that give you control. “Willpower” (or being strict, as you put it) is a limited resource, and I think it’s best to reserve it for the things that matter most.

    • I think that’s a very sensible and honest way of looking at it. You’re probably one of the few people in my life who get this aspect of myself from every angle and I’m thankful that you’ve shared this with me.

  2. Hoo boy…all those things that you’ve felt a victim of? Me too…and here’s what I’ve finally figured out. I can step in and out of that role at will. There are times when it’s a lot harder to step out, once I’ve stepped in, but, as with pretty much everything else, it’s about catching myself sooner, not about saying, “I’ll never feel that way again!”

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