Recently I’ve gone on a detox by a naturopath. It was very strict. I lost 17lbs. It’s a lot of weight. I felt in control. Everything was spelt out, people at work were doing it, it was easy. There was a bit of pressure to stay strict, and it felt good to be successful.
I decided that after 23 days, I had done enough and went on what they call as maintenance.
What I’ve realised in the last 48 hours, is that I felt as though I was out of control. There’s talk that for every action there’s an equal and greater reaction..or binge.
I felt free..and out of control.
Look, see, I told you…you can’t be trusted with food.
As I vacuumed the floor, I realised that I have been a victim in my own mind for a long time. I have been a victim to my parent’s divorce. I’ve been a victim to my weight. I’ve been a victim to my love of food. I’ve been a victim to my previous relationship. I’ve been a victim to the binger which lies inside of me.
I’ve been a victim.
Being a victim is powerless. It’s a place that zaps any ability to fend for one’s self and overcome what is holding me back. I think that there is obviously protection in being a victim..for so long.
I’ve felt as though I could never get past the sense that I was a victim, that I would always be dieting, struggling, bouncing back to my high weight from the time I started my diet. I’m stuck in the victim, it’s where I’ve been for so long. It means I don’t have to take responsibility for who I am.
As I was sucking up the dirt from the tiles, I realised I didn’t want to be a victim anymore.