For so long, I mean years, I have actually feared myself.
I have had NO trust in what I would do to myself in situations where I felt alone and desperate.
If I was put in front of a buffet.
At a party.
A day after an awesome weigh-in.
The point is that I have fought for a long time with the idea of trusting my body…but with something much bigger…not being terrified of the inner-monster inside of me that would take over and inhale.
Inhale my soul, my mind, my intuition, my hunger levels, my fun.
I felt alone, for so long. I.have.tried.everything. EVERYTHING. Every.single.diet. I have succeeded…then I got stuck. Years of dieting not only robbed me of my ability to trust myself, but it took my soul away.
What I’m reminded about in my faith, is that I come as I am..and I’m loved…just the way I am.
Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. ~Ephesians4:30
I’ve always needed to be something other that I was. I was never just happy starting out where I was. I was pissed off. Angry. Idle. It is so much easier to give into food, addiction, crutches when we’re in that place, because the idea of having to accept the un-loved place that we find ourselves is so overwhelming.
Recently, a friend wrote the following:
The beauty of it all is that he meets us right where we are at. And He’s been waiting all this time. Loving you. We’re all in this together!
There’s something about knocking on someone’s door feeling like a hot mess..and the first thing they say is: “I’m so happy you’ve come over and I love you.”
That’s what I have discovered. Call me a sloooowwww learner, but I suppose, as I wrote yesterday, the seasons in our lives change when they’re supposed to. No matter what, there’s grace…every.single.time…if you’re willing to surrender and be in the place where you are. I think that’s what God wants most…to be where you are and to be open to the faith journey at your own pace.
That comment, the idea that I’m loved where I am, was a huge turning point for me. It eases the crazy feelings of punishment, binging, food addiction, etc. It doesn’t mean that I won’t/haven’t struggle. I have. What it means is that I no longer have to be anyone other than myself, I don’t have to hide in food, I don’t have to escape.
I’m just me in my own faith.