faith / food recovery / life / relationship

thin face

a confession…I’m a people pleaser. I’m a ‘type A’ who HAS to have every lick of laundry done, floor mopped, and dish put away before I travel. I bawled, bawled, when I got an A- in college.

I also seek the approval of my partner when it comes to the way I look.

It stems from a lot, from a deep desire to be pretty like my Dad’s former wife and subsequent girlfriends. It stems from my first boyfriend telling me I was fat.

It’s SO easy to get trapped into what we THINK we need to be. What image we present, how it’s interpreted in life outside of ourselves..especially by those with whom we love, adore, trust and seek approval from.

a life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree. Proverbs 11:28

I was sitting with Andrew, the boy, last night on the couch and he was asking how my blog was doing. We were talking about how I was talking more about my faith and how excited I am about just be real with myself. I brought up this video from the Exposed Movement.

“Wow, you did a video for it?” he said
“Yeah, it was a huge thing when I did it.” I stated proudly “Do you like my hair in it, I think I might get bangs again.”
“I’m not fused, but your face looks a lot thinner than it does now.” he said

I froze. YOUR FACE LOOKS A LOT THINNER THAN IT DOES NOW…that’s all I heard. I didn’t hear that fact that it was revolved around the type of hairstyle I had, or that he was interested in the movement, or that he was asking about my blog or that he really wasn’t saying, at all, that I had a fat face now.

BUT I went there…he thinks I’m fat.

My mind is so rooted in how he perceives my body, how I hope that he thinks I’m beautiful = that I’m thin. I felt devastated. I felt that I had let him down. “now I’ve got a fat face.”

…then I stopped.
stopped the talk.

prayed

“Lord, give me strength to see that I’m more that just a face. That I have your grace, your beauty, your hand in my life. Lord heal me from the wounds of my past and let me forgive Andrew for an innocent comment. Continue to work in my life to unveil my plan, and let me realise my hopes and dreams. I have complete faith that I will find me own way with weight and body image in your likeness.” amen

I apologised. We moved on. I can’t live in a relationship where we are both trapped by the demons of the past which are rooted in something beyond my relationship with my faith. It’s been the reason I’ve felt trapped for so long.

The freedom of stopping, re-accessing where the emotions are coming from and re-aligning them in prayer is very powerful.

Gracious speech is like clover honey — good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body. Proverbs 16:24

Remember to look at how you speak to yourself, others and God. What words affect you, what do you believe, how do you overcome it all?

I love my face.

~Mish

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