faith / food recovery / life / relationship

Listen

Today…well actually this week, I’ve decided that I’d should probably start listening.

It’s been a rough, emotionally draining week. I’ve given too much of myself and have not much left over for anything.

I went on a quick run Friday night and I could feel the exhaustion. I sat in a sweaty heap and sobbed because so much was zapped, bottled up and exhausted. It was the only way to give it wings out of my body…tears.

My friend said to me this week “you can’t give everything to work and not be able to give to those around you who are most important. Work is work..but your life is your life.”

I was raised that work was my life…I’m learning to listen to my friends sage advice.

More importantly, I feel as though the urges, binges, exhausted eating, the recorded tv programmed after work snacking…they are all signs.

Fatigue.exhaustion.quite time.begging for sleep.intimacy.

Growing up emotions of a messy divorce were covered with food. Exhausting from working all day and making pies, salads and having the house clean where washed down with over-eating and snacking. Start overs were commenced after ambreakfast of diet coke and cold pie.

Listen Michelle listen.

I’ve hated, loathed the fact that I used to be 25lbs lighter..and now I’m not. I’ve been pissed off that I “let myself go” and just can’t seem to get myself back on track. Obsessed with sugar, promises, binges.

Listen Michelle listen.

Those 25lbs have a hell of a lot of insight. So much knowledge. They tell a story of a girl so encapsulated in pleasing an asshole, that she starved herself. When it was over she comforted in the way she did when she was five…with food. Those lbs tell of a girl who sacrifices herself for others to the point where the only solace is food to keep her awake because one is supposed to keep going. The lbs tell of a girl so entrenched in her obsessions with with body thoughts that very single morning she thinks about scales, weight, food, planning her meals.

Listen Michelle listen.

I’ve never thought of the lbs I’ve got or will have forever (I’m growing less concerned about weight and more concerned about holistic transformation) as messengers. The urges, the eating outside of hungry, the stuffed, the starving, the obsessive thoughts…are all little messengers, reminders, lights for the transformation I’m ready to keep going with.

Lithe Michelle listen.

So listen to what your soul REALLY wants. Listen to the urges and stop trying to stop them, be with them. Get to the core of the manifestation. That is where my change has begun. It’s the first time in my life where I actually wanted to listen to my body instead of punish or detract from it.

Listen.

Mish xo

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One thought on “Listen

  1. Mish Here’s something to think about …What are your non-negotiables (things that you will not do under any circumstance ever or would like to not do under any circumstance ever) I.E. stop saying yes when I want to say no ….stop saying no when I want to say yes I know that you do this …listen to your heart and follow it ..It knows what’s good for you ❤ Bente

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