food recovery / life / relationship

Wooden Block

I was getting my trolley (shopping cart) at the local shop (grocery store) and it was if the world had been frozen.in.time.

I looked up and saw everyone and I couldn’t help but think:

Everyone here is trying their absolute very best to do their very best for themselves and others around them. We’re all, technically, ‘in this together’. There’s something quite profound when you start to see people for their humanity.

When you start to see yourself less than a certain goal to ascertain; instead as a human soul that deep down just wants to be high-fived, loved, and given sleep…I think you start to actually live. (i’d love someone to give me a high-five more often)

Before I had lost my 100+lbs, I actually felt more in touch with who I was..ironically. After my last relationship ended my dear friend Tom said to me “where’s your smile mish?” It was lost somewhere between 28-32 points, between 175-182lbs, between the double runs I’d do before a weigh-in, between the non-eating two days before a weigh-in, between the post-weigh-in binges. Somewhere in between my soul starved.

It always reminds me of a time when I was asked to do a trust fall activity during the training I was involved in to become a residential assistant. We were in the middle of the woods. I was always the one who’d help out (still am), the one who’d talk someone’s ear off, or be behind the scenes making sure everything was planned accordingly. I wasn’t the type of person who’d fall backwards into people’s arms below me.

I remember how nervous I was. For as confident as I was, I was fragile. Astutely aware of my weight. I got on top of the wooden block and all of the harassment and name-calling and parent’s arguments flooded back at me from my youth. I stood their paralyzed. Tears streaming. Legs beginning to shake. I had to be fragile, I had to be vulnerable.

“Its ok Michelle you can totally do this. Just cross your arms, keeps your legs straight, and fall back.” “WE WILL CATCH YOU!”

I, in that moment, decided to just be in the moment. To trust. To be held by others. To trust in their stated ability to carry my weight, to enabled a process of personal let go, to give a high-five.

I took a very deep breath. Decided I wouldn’t be overwhelmed or stopped by fear. I trusted. I crossed my arms. I fell back. It was glorious.

There are going to be moments in all of our lives when we’re on the wooden block and when we are below encouraging someone to just let go. What was so clearly frozen for me today, is that ultimately we are all in this together and we must be there in both roles in life..or we’ll miss out.

Mish xo

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