I remember the day I stepped on the scale and it read a number I NEVER thought I’d see…168lbs. I had crash dieted my way to that number, eating minimal calories and running twice a day. I wanted to get into trendy jeans.
I bought those jeans…and wore them for about 3 months until I had binged my way out of them. They’ve sat in my closet for four years. I’ve packed them around from house moves, moves, moves, and moves. They’ve come along as a constant reminder of what I wanted to be again and of the failure which I felt I had become…because I just couldn’t seem to loose all the weight that I had gained back.
I had oftentimes thought about giving them away, but I had held out hope that…MAYBE ONE DAY I’D BE SKINNY ENOUGH TO WEAR THEM AGAIN. I have spent the past four years hoping that on my birthday I’d be thin enough to wear them again. It’s never happened.
Your thin clothes, the ones you need a shoehorn to shimmy into, function as baseball bats to the head. Get rid of them. You have enough mean, abusive voices in your head without having to hang them in your closet. Replace them with clothes that fit you now. Clothes that are soft and gorgeous and allow you to feel the same. ~Geneen Roth
It hit me. I must get rid of them.
I dug through the depths of my closet, you know the ones where the skinny and fat clothes hang..for years like obedient silent reminders of something that you’re currently not…but once were. I took them off their racks, took photos and put them onto facebook. I’m giving them away.
I cried because the first response in my head was failure. Then I cried because I realised that even if I were to get back into those jeans that they would be the jeans ‘of the time I crash dieted for a boy who was an ass.’ I would be catapulting myself into a former self of which I don’t really ever care to go again.
As Andrew said to me, when I was having a bit of a moment with my thoughts in the laundry aisle at the supermarket, “Baby, you don’t have clothes of when you were five do you? No, because you’ve changed and are changing…so be happy that you’re changing baby, you’ll find your way.”
I put them up and had instant takers. The sting of realising that RIGHT NOW they don’t fit lessened. In fact, it gave me something that I didn’t expect..acceptance and a drive to release everything…EVERYTHING that I’ve kept for whatever reason. I am where I am RIGHT NOW! That doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to buy new pairs of swanky designer jeans..they just wont be those ones. The ones which I buy will be because I’ve honoured my body and did it for myself and because I was happy in life. Not out of desperation.
So get rid of the shit in your life that doesn’t work for you now. Even if it’s jeans.