I’ve wanted to write this post for months.
Maybe it’s just a cycle.
Maybe it’s because this full-time blogger wrote how she is stepping back because it’s the BEST for her!
Maybe I’ve cycled so much I don’t know if it’s just a cycle or this is the place where I find my coasting altitude. There’s been a lot of turbulence people.
Since getting engaged, a lot of things have been put into perspective. What I want out of our wedding. How I want to act as a married woman. Where my faith falls into my life and the life of someone who isn’t a Christian. It also brings up where and how I want to live in our marriage as a healthy, active woman.
yammer, yammer, yammer.
I want, desire and am committed to losing weight.
I’m not going for the lowest of the lows. Going for the skinniest of the skinniest. I’m not crash dieting or obsessively counting every single morsel that goes into my body. I’m not refraining from PMS dark-chocolate-peanut-butter whilst watching The Voice.
I’m also not ignoring the fact that my jeans don’t button, that my body feels heavier, that my clothes don’t feel as nice.
So, I’m actively on a journey of losing weight for myself, for my future good habit makings and in this developing a sense of own self-recognition/confidence that I’m doing this for me.
I don’t know if I’m a farce, for yammering on about body acceptance, intuitive eating, etc. I don’t believe I am. I’m sure, you as a reader, perhaps are rolling your eyes and thinking “here she goes AGAIN! when is she EVER going to just stop and accept and move the f-on from this part of her life?”
I actually don’t care what anyone thinks. I cared so much about what someone thought that I crash dieted. Then I binged my failure of our relationship for years. Then I got worried that people around me, whom I’ve read, who read me, who are my friends wouldn’t accept the fact that I want to lose weight, that I’m being accountable for what I eat, and that I’m NOT ok with my current weight.
What would they think?
I don’t care.
We ALL have to be accountable, at some point, to the lives/thoughts/actions/methods/routines which we create and nurture.
So I am. I don’t know how it will manifest on the blog. I may or may not be posting about my weight loss, may or may not be posting stuff related to fitness..I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll just post daily brain drumpings of wedding ideas…and nothing about weight at all. I haven’t pre-meditated myself into a ‘healthy living blogger’ again, because I don’t feel I fit there. For one, there isn’t a CrossFit place in Bunbury 😉 What I do know, is that I don’t want to continue to carry this weight…but MORE I don’t really feel like living how I’ve lived…I want to change.
I just had to write it. I don’t know why, but I needed to get it out of my brain.