faith / life / relationship

Why I’m Going to “Star Trek” Tonight

Andrew and I got back from the engagement party with a suitcase full of card, generous gifts and a book that I was dying to get into.

 

the-five-love-languages-how-to-express-heartfelt-commitment-to-your-mate

I think that it’s easy, in any relationship, to get caught up in a self-ish angle.

“Why isn’t he helping around the house?” “How many bloody times do I have him to pick-up the clothes off of the floor?”

“Why, doesn’t she want to watch a movie with me?” “Why does she get so grumpy when I ask her to help me with things that perhaps she doesn’t like…but I actually would enjoy her helping me with?”

It’s easy people. And I’m the first to admit that I can get grumpy, self-absorbed and ungrateful. It’s the foundation for a crumbling of the relationship and I think it takes away from the beauty of what was once started. It makes love punitive and at times it cheapens a relationship to things external for a sense of gratification and commitment.

So, we whipped out the Five Love Languages book. (I know, it’s been around for ages, we’re a bit slow.) I did the quiz and I realised instantly that I was VERY high in

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch

I was VERY low in:

  • Gifts
  • Quality Time

Andrew sat down on the couch and he went through the questions with me. I read them aloud and he answered. I don’t know if that’s how you’re supposed to do it, but it helped my desire for words of affirmation. He explained his reasoning behind the way he choose in such a beautiful way, encouraging me as to why he choose one of the other. “I love to get gifts, but I do love hugging you more.” Sweet. Affirming.

Andrew was VERY HIGH in:

  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch

Andrew was LOW in:

  • Gifts
  • Acts of Service

BAM!!! The proof is in the pudding. We differed. He desires quality time, I desire acts of service. We went through the book, and just read through the section on “If your spouse is…” It made so much sense to me. The reasons why he wants to spend time milling through hardware stores, wants me to come along to the coffee shop even if we have nothing else planned, or watching a sci-fi movie, or go fishing…all made sense.

I’m fiercely independent and I’ve always equated my time as MY time..and if I don’t see value in something then I really can’t be bothered doing it.

That’s dangerous. I instantly realised my error.

5-love-languages-and-how-to-relate

So, we’re off to Star Trek tonight..because even though it’s NOT a movie I’d choose to see…it’s important to him. It means that I’m honoring something of value to him, I’m being generous in my own giving and we’re doing something together.

….

In saying that…I heard the other night bellowing out of the bedroom “Mish, I’m picking up my clothes as an act of service for you!”

I’ve taken control of my need for service, it’s something so important to me. So, we’ve agreed to a ‘Honey To-Do List” (as per a suggestion in the book) as a way to ease my propensity to nag, and to give Andrew structure in tackling my always churning mind of things that I’d like to do.

…..

I’m not saying that you can’t be selfish in a relationship and/or to loose a sense of self. What it did for me, was to give a HUGE perspective on how my attitude and approach has been impacting our relationship and my critical nature at times. How I can give back in a more meaningful way, how I can support and encourage…and how I can better explain what I need.

It maybe seen as a ‘cheesy’ book…but it has been so effective.

Mish xo

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