Something which is interesting in life, is when you start to actually FEEL a physical connection to your surroundings, to those around you, to those you love.
It is so incredibly easy to avoid connection. To live passively through life and to ignore a simplistic engagement. It is easy to push aside intimacy with environment, family, partners. It is easy to be removed.
One thing that I’ve learned whilst being with Andrew is that I need intimacy. (not like that…oh wait..nevermind). In previous relationship I didn’t enjoy or let myself be intimate. It was duty. It was an obligation. It was walls.
After a very long week of being sick and Andrew being very busy I needed to be held. I knew I needed to be held, because I went to the pantry and was trying to find intimacy with a white chocolate cookie. Food isn’t intimacy. Food doesn’t bring intimacy. When food brings intimacy to your life..you must address that.
I crawled into bed and he held me. His hot chest squeezed me into his shoulder and I just started to cry. The tears would not stop.
For so long, I’ve passively engaged with life. I’ve shelved intimate emotional connections with my life, with those around me…with myself. Too scared. Too walled-up, to whatever. I just didn’t do it.
As I laid there with tears streaming I realised that I was letting myself be intimate, engaged, moment-filled, sensitive, loved. I needed it.
Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from situations to survive. Sometimes we have to intimately engage ourselves in situations to thrive.