Proud

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life

I’m proud
Proud of my graduation with a Masters Degree in Nursing Science.
Proud that I felt proud
Proud of the way I felt about how I looked.
Proud of all of my hard work!
Proud of my choice to risk my career and path in life to follow my heart!

Proud!!!!

Mish

10 Things I’d Said To My Teen-Self & Teens Now #teenweek

10 Things I’d Say To My Teen-Self & Teens Now: Part 3

1. Enjoy your teenage years
I always wanted to be more than a teenager. If you’re in your young teens, try not to hate on the ‘oppressive’ feeling that is sparked by the angst of your parents having a hard time letting go, and your need for independence. Enjoy being under their wings for a bit, whilst learning who you are.

If you’re in your later teens..enjoy this time. Know it’s such a rich precious time in life when you, most likely, won’t have stacks of responsibility but will be, hopefully, enraptured by the world’s freedom.

2. Set your goals, but be flexible
I put WAY too much pressure on myself at 18-19 to make a decision about my life path. I think it’s good to have over-arching goals for your life. But be flexible. I see it all the time, a path cleared, lit, paved…and then it doesn’t feel right..but obligations kicks in and you feel miserable walking down it. The best thing I ever did was quit my first uni and transfer after my first semester of uni. The other best thing I did was moved to Australia with two suitcases and no plans. Trust the universe to provide, and live.

3. Don’t put pressure on yourself, and let life happen
There’s SO much pressure on you as you get into your mid-late teens. Body.Image.Career.Loans.Uni.Jobs….blah blah blah. I think it’s important to live life with maturity…but don’t let the pressure of life suck the life out of you. Let life happen, be open, gracious, kind and excited.

4. Compassionately live life
I was thinking of this as the MOST important thing that I wish I would have harnessed early on. When I first started losing weight I didn’t hate on myself..only after I let myself loose my spirit (see #8), did I realise that I wasn’t being compassionate towards myself. LOVE YOURSELF! Where you are, every single day, in whatever shape you maybe. You’ll NEVER be perfect, and the moment you take the sterile, abrasive mentality of perfection away, you’ll start to not only find love for yourself, but for those who are in your life.

5. Move
I’m so thankful for my aerobics teacher in high school..she taught me the importance of moderate, healthy exercise. Moving doesn’t mean become a cardio junkie or an exercise obsessed teen. Just move for health, for endorphins. Find something that YOU love. Run, cardio, yoga, Pilates, dance, hiking, swimming, diving, karate, weight…I don’t CARE. I just think that if you implement HEALTHY movement and relationship with exercise in your teens, it will transcend into your twenties when you’ll most likely be sitting behind a desk.

6. Learn to appreciate red wine, dark chocolate and black coffee
Not red wine until you’re 21 in the USA , or 18 if you live in Australia. Start to appreciate good black coffee, 85% dark chocolate!!!! Expand your knowledge of food, local produce, organic, ways of cooking..romance food. I didn’t do that. I lived off to diet food, diet coke and simple foods that didn’t have flavour. Explore, food is amazing stuff and the better able you are to ROMANCE instead of shunning, hating, depriving, and deploring it…you’ll have a more beautiful life.

7. Embrace your sexuality & beauty, but don’t throw it away or rush it
Be feminine or masculine. Dress up. Throw snazzy shoes  on and work it. Wear sweat pants with wet hair and no make-up. Embrace all of the beauty that you are. You don’t have to be anything other than you are. Being sexy doesn’t mean huge tits and tight clothes, ripped muscles and a tight ass…it’s more than that. It’s how you carry yourself, your confidence..it’s the whole package. It’s a very powerful and beautiful thing.

Beauty is not ONE size. Beauty is you. Beauty is the spirit that shines in your eyes when you’re in their presence. I thought beauty was a package with a ‘bow’ and it’s not.

There are going to be HEAPS of pressure on you to explore your sexuality throughout your teens…there will most likely be opportunities. Be kind to this process and love yourself. Whatever you decide to engage or not engage in..make sure it’s ok with you in your heart. Never.ever.ever give your sexuality away, it’s such a beautiful experience that should be embraced, cherished and explored…ONLY when YOU’RE ready.

8. Never enable someone to take your spirit
I have ALWAYS looked for outside validation. I think excelling, reaching your potential and accomplishing things are important. However, basing your self-worth on only external validation is unhealthy. No one deserves your self-worth, except you.

9. Smile, shine, dance, sing
Embrace the opportunities in life to have fun. Good fun Life on the edge a bit, but smile. Dance in the rain. Wake up with the sun. Travel to places you thought you’d never go. Make mistakes and learn. Laugh.a.lot! Embrace the beauty of life.

10. Define yourself knowing everything…but only listening to you
There will FOREVER be advice, ways of doing things, perspectives on beauty, love, success, relationships, education, ways of eating, life…and I say listen..and then sort it out for yourself. I spent so much of my teenage and young-adult life tossing between this-and-that..trying to figure out what was best. I’ve learned that, again, I’m only accountable to myself. Life is a potluck of ideas..you serve yourself.

~Mish

Part 1: The Question That Started It All

Part 2: Pizzazz

Teen Week: Words That Heal is an annual blog series that occurs the last week of March, where bloggers use their sites speak out about their experiences with body image, sexuality, and self-esteem during their teen years. The series was started in 2011 after it came to my attention that there was an enormous population of teen readers out there looking for body-loving-inspiration, but much of the material floating around the blogosphere was aimed to adults.

Pizzazz #teenweek

Pizzazz: Part 2

After my Dad filled out the survey I took on weight loss. BUT, I wasn’t obsessive. At the time, all the rage was Atkins. So I did it. I lost 50lbs in about six months. I also nominated myself to do aerobics at school. Three times a week, I sweated my rear end off. I joined a gym and went everyday after school. I started to run around the fields at home.

I lost weight, because I wanted to. It was simple health, albeit Atkins isn’t healthy, choices in my day to move, look at food choices, and find success for myself.

People noticed. I noticed. I felt nice.

When I sat down to write this piece, I  couldn’t help but reflect upon an email I got regarding my choice to re-join WeightWatchers which I discussed a couple of days ago. It was interesting, because they were worried about my choice to re-join. After bashing diets and doing intuitive eating, and dealing with the demons of the mental space of obsessive weight loss…they were worried that I would once again fail.

The girl who decided to lose weight in high school was not obsessive initially. She did not give a flying f— about what others things. Although it was sparked by a not so great feeling after the survey, the jist of the process was one that was sparked by a fierce independence and desire to be healthy.

It was only when that teenager lost her sense of self, that she started to struggle as an adult. She lost it because she forgot to look inside of herself and stop listening to other people.

If I could say anything to that girl who harnessed her pizzazz and did life for herself…welcome back lovely! And thanks for being the firecracker that you were. I lost you for a couple of years, but that email reminded me that no matter what we do in life, we have to do it for ourselves.

~Mish

Part 1: The Question That Started It All

Teen Week: Words That Heal is an annual blog series that occurs the last week of March, where bloggers use their sites speak out about their experiences with body image, sexuality, and self-esteem during their teen years. The series was started in 2011 after it came to my attention that there was an enormous population of teen readers out there looking for body-loving-inspiration, but much of the material floating around the blogosphere was aimed to adults.

The Question That Started It All #teenweek

The Question That Started It All: Part 1

I remember when I first met my step-mom..I thought that she was really pretty. She came into my life when I was around 11. The delicate age of becoming a woman. Having been raised by a single father, the daily dose of estrogen, womanly view on the world, and female presence was welcomed.

I think that I was always jealous of her. I wanted to be thin, blonde, high cheek boned, with big boobs. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be adored by my father, like she was.

It was my Junior year of high school and I weighed 300lbs, give or take. I stopped looking at the scale around 280lbs. I wore boys shorts from Old Navy, size 42 and 44 waist. That summer I had to keep them unbuttoned while sitting down because I was gaining weight. I wore XXL shirts in all shades of blue, my hair pulled back, and sports bras were my thing.

The ironic thing is, that I didn’t give a rats ass about “those skinny girls.” It never really dawned on me that I needed to be anything other that what I was. Because frankly I thought I was happy. I thought people loved me for who I was.

I was sitting in the car in the garage and I was holding a survey that our Junior Year Speech teacher gave to us for our parents to fill out. It was the beginning of the year. I’m not really sure what the intention of the survey was, but it was a comprehensive questionnaire about us.

“do you find your child physically attractive?” scale 1-10

I thought it was an odd question and I was intrigued to see what my Dad would write. I always knew that he liked skinny girls, but I can imagine that he’d always think of me as very attractive, I was his daughter.

He signed the back of the envelope that the survey was put into, but I wanted to know. I needed to be affirmed. So I delicately opened the envelope, so that I could re-seal it without anyone noticing. I was nervous with anticipation. My hands flipped to the third page and there it was:

“do you find your child physically attractive?” (scale 1-10)
his response: 5

I.was.devastated.

That was the beginning of the desire to lose weight. That was the instigation to sign up for aerobics. It was the beginning of being healthier. It was the beginning, of some of the most painful body image issues I would face as an adult.

~Mish

Teen Week: Words That Heal is an annual blog series that occurs the last week of March, where bloggers use their sites speak out about their experiences with body image, sexuality, and self-esteem during their teen years. The series was started in 2011 after it came to my attention that there was an enormous population of teen readers out there looking for body-loving-inspiration, but much of the material floating around the blogosphere was aimed to adults.

For Me…How It Should Always Be!

I think it’s funny how life goes in drips and drabs…it cycles back around.

I haven’t really found my blog mojo…I really haven’t been feeling the blog lately. In fact, I have touched my google reader and have separated myself a bit from everything online.

Source: etsy.com via Moonandlion on Pinterest

 

…Then I had a friend ask on Facebook if I was still writing about my journey with weight loss, life.
…I responded “no really anymore. I think there are enough people who blog about fitness, eating, cooking, and unrequited emotional woes. So, I’m just living life in suburbia. Maybe when I have kids I’ll write a blog about a frazzled American trying to teach her kids to eat more peanut butter and less vegemite. LOL!”

I got to thinking, maybe I should blog…for no one other than myself. A place to put down my thoughts, feelings, reactions, idiosyncracies, ways. Blogging should be for you anyways. LIFE should be for you.

Source: aquirkygirl.com via Eliane on Pinterest

…Then I decided two weeks ago that I wanted to go back to WeightWatchers.
…I actually wanted to keep that a secret, because lets be honest I’m a body-loving, quasi-intuitive eating, ‘diet hating’ blogger who has flipped in and out of embracing and hating WeightWatchers. This time it’s for me. This time I’m not obsessing and it’s working.

Then Miz brought up the Exposed Movement.

Sometimes I forget how freaking powerful that movement was. It was powerful. I dare say life-changing for some of the participants who were involved.

…Then I decided that perhaps I do have something to say.
…So I told Miz, go for you life and talk about it. I also told Mara that I’d get involve in TeenWeek.

Maybe I’ll start eating oats again and taking photos of it with almond butter and blueberries. Nah.

Instead I’ll cuddle with my cat, take up some old ways…because this time they’re for me!

What things have resurrected themselves in your life…but in a different way when you embraced them for yourself?

~Mish

Power of Thought

This is the truth

Source: knackstudios.blogspot.com via Catlin on Pinterest

 

It’s where I’m at. After all the cryin’ and over-eating this week…I’ve stumbled across this blog..and talked to a friend.

Anyone can change. Anyone can move from where they are. I am. Are you?

~Mish

Life, it’s what you make of it

I don’t know if it’s ‘that time of the month’ or because I realise that all the dust is settling in my life or because nursing scares the sh-t out of me…but I am crying a lot.

I don’t think that crying is bad. I think that wallowing is bad.

I went to sleep last night crying. I realised that I have moved to a new place, for a boy, with a new job that gives me stress dreams of having babies (although I’ve been assured that babies in dreams mean that it’s new beginnings and that you’re not knocked up..thankGod!) and panic attacks.

I was doubting myself. I wanted comfort. I wanted to dis-engage. Run. Wallow. Be pissed off.

The sharp reality of my decisions we penetrating.

I have not a social network down here, I did where I came from.
I don’t like the city I live in, I did where I came from.
I am trapped in suburbia, I wasn’t where I came from.

…and so the mental tape continued and the drama-filled tears flowed.

then.I.stopped.

Life…the precious beautiful, ugly, challenging, blissful thing that we’ve been given…is really a link of reactions, choices, events which happen to us, around us, against us and for us.

….it’s how we respond.

I DO HAVE CHOICE…to engage, rip the drama out, take food out of my coping mechanism and love what I have. where I am. what I’m doing.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I wanted to wallow. When feeding my feelings, being pissed off about the sacrifices I made to move, and to complain was what fueled my binging, my interactions and my ability to stay removed emotionally from my new life.

…so the babies speak through the dreams I’m having. (They’ve all been cute!) and it’s time for new beginnings. I’ve oftentimes reminded of the post by Andi about the detachment process with food. It reminds me of the process of detaching from wallowing in life.

Life is what you make of it…I’m beginning to realise that.

~Mish

Engage In Intimacy

Something which is interesting in life, is when you start to actually FEEL a physical connection to your surroundings, to those around you, to those you love.

It is so incredibly easy to avoid connection. To live passively through life and to ignore a simplistic engagement. It is easy to push aside intimacy with environment, family, partners. It is easy to be removed.

One thing that I’ve learned whilst being with Andrew is that I need intimacy. (not like that…oh wait..nevermind). In previous relationship I didn’t enjoy or let myself be intimate. It was duty. It was an obligation. It was walls.

After a very long week of being sick and Andrew being very busy I needed to be held. I knew I needed to be held, because I went to the pantry and was trying to find intimacy with a white chocolate cookie. Food isn’t intimacy. Food doesn’t bring intimacy. When food brings intimacy to your life..you must address that.

I crawled into bed and he held me. His hot chest squeezed me into his shoulder and I just started to cry. The tears would not stop.

For so long, I’ve passively engaged with life. I’ve shelved intimate emotional connections with my life, with those around me…with myself. Too scared. Too walled-up, to whatever. I just didn’t do it.

As I laid there with tears streaming I realised that I was letting myself be intimate, engaged, moment-filled, sensitive, loved. I needed it.

Sometimes we have to remove ourselves from situations to survive. Sometimes we have to intimately engage ourselves in situations to thrive.

~Mish

Why Grey Is Important

I have always been someone who lives in black and white.

straight lines, predictability, structure. It is or it isn’t. It’s good or it’s bad.

 

Black and white removes the grey from life…and it’s not always a good thing. I think that the grey matter in life is where you grow, where you produce change, where we find ourselves.

I found myself thinking a lot about the idea of recovery. Maybe it’s because I have “Intervention” on daily record..and I love watching it. The struggle of the addicts on there, is oftentimes mirrored in my own personal reflection with food. We all struggle or have struggled with something.

What is interesting, is that idea of recovery. I remember Kendra talking about it and her stating that she is enjoying the journey of recovery and that it’s becoming more a part of her life.

For the longest, and I mean really up until recently, I think that I’ve moved my idea of black and white, right and wrong, shoulds…into the idea of recovery, change, progress. I was either stuck with “I’m f-ed up and I’m gonna start tomorrow” or “I need to be recovered”

I don’t know if life is always just the starting line or the finished line. I think it’s the run in between. There are mileposts, there are set-backs, there are challenges. The more embrace you give to the grey, the in between, the journey…I actually think the better you become. You let go of the struggles and let go of the need for the end product. You don’t get stuck in a vacuum of time, transcended by days of pressure and stagnation.

I wrote how I was going to re-start my journey with exercise. I am so sick right now (like up in the middle of the night rubbing Vicks Vapor Rub all over myself) that I just wanted to sit on my ass yesterday. Instead I just went on a small, easy walk.

The grey, the middle, is where you must begin. There is control in holding onto the black and white aspects of our lives. I get that. It’s where my bingers lives. It’s where my perfectionist overdrive resides. Both of which do not make me happy most of the time.

The grey is where I would say my recovery lies.

I am ok with that. I’m ok with the recovery process and realising that it’s a part of my life…because it allows me to be away from what I was and what I think I should be. It enables me to dance around in the grey. It enables me to be honest with where I’m at. It enables me to discover who I am outside of the confined realities I have lived in and tried to become.

So go dance in the grey! Find out who you are outside of the boxes which hold you back.

~Mish

Why I’m Re-Starting

I have talked about it for a long time.

I’ve spent hours thinking about it.

Preparing for it.

Then backing out. I have honestly thought that I wouldn’t be able to fully dream a dream. That I wouldn’t be able to finish what I’ve started.

So I haven’t started.

I  have wanted to run a race or do a tri since Dec 2010. But I’ve let the voice of doubt, the one that lives in the world of the binger, to hold me back and suppress my dreams. I get all excited, tell everyone I know, then quit. Just like I quit the gym after saying I wanted to become a fitness instructor. Just like I quit the last tri. Just like I quit the race before that.

I feel apathetic and stifled. Frustrated and annoyed.

But it’s really me. I think it’s the drama of it all. ‘It’s gonna be TOO hard to do because of ______________’

I’m here today to say that I’m going to do something. If it be 21 days of yoga, if it be every morning walk, if it be meditation, if it be a race.

I’m going to do something.

Why?

Because I’m at a point in my life where I want it to be more than my struggle, I want it to be more than my life around food AM READY FOR CHANGE!

I’m doing this for me.

~Mish